Joe's American Bar & Grill - BITTER

Went to Joe's American Bar & Grill tonight for dinner in Paramus, NJ. It sucked, plain and simple. I'll give them this. The hostess and who I believe was a manager were super nice when I came in. They set up my family's table promptly and I was seated right away. If I had gotten up and left right away, I would have nothing but good things to say.

However, we went there to eat and so we stayed. Our waitress came out and took the drink order, read us the specials and then took our meal order very kindly. The drinks took a bit longer than I would have guessed and shortly after that she told us that she would bring out some bread for the table. Within a few minutes, a different woman brought a hot loaf of bread to the table, fresh from the oven and some butter. After she left, which was very promptly, we realized that we had no place settings on the table. It took us at least 5-10 more minutes to get the attention of our waitress who sighed when I told her we had no utensils or plates to use for the bread. She brought them out right away and apologized.

It would have been a whole different story if the bread was sliced for us when it was brought to the table. At least then we could have eaten it while we waited. I really hate that some places now make you cut the bread yourself. Again, it would be one thing if they brought you a bread knife. No. They don't do that. They want you to use an extremely blunt butter knife to slice through the hard crust of an otherwise highly compressible loaf of bread. When you are done cutting it, you get to hand off that smooshed mess to your family member who then tries to figure out where to put the butter on it!

One slice of bread cut and handed off and the food is delivered to the table. I couldn't help but laugh openly. The guy who brought the first 2 dishes (yes, now a 3rd person) was confused why the other 2 dishes were not behind him. He said that maybe the guy (I guess a 4th) must have gotten lost on the way to the table. I said, yeah, just like the plates. The food finally arrived and after I finished my piece of bread I decided to dig in to my Bacon Cheeseburger.

First, if you are going to serve a burger disassembled, serve it disassembled. Do not lay the top bun partially over the bottom. When the patron goes to remove the top bun to put the lettuce and tomato on the burger, the cheese usually sticks to the top bun and comes apart making a big mess. Second, use a bun that is at least 90% of the size of the burger. This burger was falling all over out of the bun. Third, invest in a bun that can actually support the weight of the burger patty that you are going to put in it. And lastly, if your burgers are greasy as hell, make sure the bun is dense enough to absorb some of that without getting soggy and flattened.

Joe's American Bar and Grill does not adhere to these guidelines and so I had a soggy, flattened, greasy as hell burger with a mess of cheese all over. Literally, when I picked up the burger there was a pool of grease on the plate.

My son ordered the buttered noodles from the kids menu. The kids menu item comes with a beverage. We ordered a lemonade. When his food was delivered he needed a refill on the beverage because in his estimation, the cup had so much ice that he finished it in one sip. I believe it was server #3 who brought him the first refill of the lemonade. He started eating the noodles and immediately complained about them. I took a bite and while it wasn't awful, there was something different about it. I don't know if it was real butter sauce or some kind of substitute, but there was a pool of it at the bottom of the plate/bowl.

When the waitress came to check on us, I didn't even bother telling her about my burger, which was now about 1/2 eaten. I did tell her about the kids pasta and she agreed to take it back and remove it from the bill. My son said he didn't want anything else, just another lemonade. The waitress then said in a soft voice that the lemonade does not come with free refills. Say what the heck now? So she let me order my kid a drink with his meal that does not qualify as a free drink with the kids meal. Then the next guy, Server #3, gives me another without a comment. Now, on the 3rd, I'm being let in on the secret. I told her that it shouldn't matter because they are overloading the cup with ice and it's barely a sipful in it anyway. She brought another lemonade and said I wouldn't be charged for the refill.

Then, and you know I've got a pet peeve about this from a previous post, she asks if we're going to be wanting to indulge the "D" word. I said, "well, my son (different one) had a meal that includes it, right?" She said yes and then brought us a desert menu.

Desert was nothing special and eventually the bill came. Guess what was not removed from the bill? That's right. The pasta was still on it. I handed over my card and mentioned it to the waitress who blamed it on the manager for not taking it off. Maybe an honest mistake but maybe not. I paid the bill and left pretty quickly.

On top of all of the above, we had the delight of sitting next to who I imagine was the girlfriend of another waiter and her friend. Someone definitely needed to tell these girls to go easy on the perfume. The overbearingness of it just compounded the wait time for our food so that another smell could attempt to overpower it. Not the restaurants fault, but they definitely just sat there hanging around because of the boyfriend, so I'll go ahead and mention it.

For bad food and lackluster service (on Father's Day, no less), Joe's American Bar and Grill gets a greasy BITTER.

Encyclopedia Brown Book Series - BETTER

When I was growing up in the 80's, I remember being introduced to a young detective by the name of Leroy "Encyclopedia" Brown. He ran his own detective agency out of his garage and was so smart he even solved crimes for his dad, the Chief of Police. His stories were short and each had vital clues given to help the reader solve his mystery. Once you thought you had it figured out, you could flip to the back of the book and read the solution.

With a son of my own that is very fond of reading, I was shopping for Christmas present about a year and a half ago and came across a box set of the series in reprint. I was instantly taken back to the joy of my youth reading these stories. I was even lucky enough to watch the HBO series of the same name. I instantly purchased the set and couldn't wait to relive this whole experience through my son.

So what happened? He opened the gift rather indifferently and the books sat on his shelf for about a year. The one day when he was all finished reading the last of the Club Penguin books and the Scooby Doo books, I suggested he give one of the Encyclopedia Brown books a try. Again, indifferently he indulged me. Once he started reading though, this kid was as hooked as it gets.

A few months later, he is through 12 books in the series and I now have a few more on order. He absolutely loves the style of the books and seems to have really taken to the mystery genre. Admittedly, I did have to explain to him what an encyclopedia is (or should I say was?) to give Leroy's nickname some context but that was fun too. As a child born with the internet, he had no frame of reference for things like reference books!

I think after we get through all of these books (twenty-something in all), he will be moving on to A to Z Mysteries at his own request. I couldn't be more thrilled that something from my own childhood could be bringing such joy to my own son.

If you want to encourage your young 1st to 4th grade child to start reading more, I would highly recommend the Encyclopedia Brown Series from Donald J. Sobol. (My son even did a special school project on Sobol, now his favorite author!).

For sheer entertainment value, as well as bridging the gap between 2 childhoods 30 years apart, Encyclopedia Brown gets a BETTER.

Ronnie's Bagels - BITTER

Ronnie's Bagels has a couple of location in norther New Jersey. Apparently, they have been voted the best bagels in NJ. As far as service goes, hell to the no.

I should say that historically, I really like the food at Ronnie's. They seem to take a long time to make everything, but they take the sting out by having free bagel chunks for you to snack on. My biggest beef is that they seem to operate against the customer. Here's what I mean.

A few months ago, I was in there and they had signs up around the place advertising a free beverage with any sandwich (or something like that). I ordered the sandwich and then when it came time to pay they cashier said nothing about my free drink. When I asked about it the reaction was like "Oh, yeah. You do get that. You know we've got to make you ask for it. We can't just give it to everyone." Say what now? Of course you can give it to everyone. That's why you are running the promo!

Same thing happened to me this weekend. I went it for my regular meal and saw the following ad all over:

Of course, when I was rung up, guess what? No discount. I didn't even bother asking for it this time. They can keep my dollar but it is the last one they are getting.

On top of that, Ronnie's did another thing I can't stand. They raised the prices AND cut the food portions. I know I've ranted about food portions that are too large before, but when you take a normal sized sandwich and noticeably cut the meat by 50% or more, I take issue. Also, Ronnie's no longer gives you a side of macaroni or any other salad with your order. Come on now. I'm paying $9 for a sandwich. Throw in the darn 4 ounce tub of macaroni salad.

Like I said, I doubt I'll be going back to Ronnie's anytime soon. For poor service, a scam artists mentality, and sticking it to the customer on price, Ronnie's Bagels gets a BITTER.

Canon 60D - BETTER

I recently updated my camera from an older, albeit HD Kodak EasyShare to the Canon 60D DSLR and I really can't say enough about the thing. It is an amazing camera. I believe I tried a Canon point and shoot years ago and actually returned it without being too thrilled. This camera though is pretty amazing.

I did a whole blog post comparing (in layman's terms) the Canon 60D to the Nikon D7000 which I think covers my thoughts on the camera.

Once you read that one, you can come back and appreciate that I give the Canon 60D a BETTER.

Phillips Dual Screen Portable DVD Player - BETTER

There's not much to say about this great road trip accessory other than that it is great. Why try to deal with a single screen DVD player jammed between the 2 front seats and all the screen glare that goes with it when you can have a 2 screen system for not much more money? I've got one of these and it is awesome for longer trips in the car where the kids need a little entertainment. Even though both screens show the same movie, each screen has its own controls and volume. If you only need one screen, you can just use one of them. I had an older, cheaper portable DVD player that constantly said "invalid disc" 80% of the time I tried to use it. And amazingly, this Phillips 2 screen system takes less time to put in the car than the old single unit device. You literally just clip each screen around the front seat headrests and pull the straps tight. Then plug in the power cables and the AV connector and you are good to go. It takes about 2-3 minutes total!

This upgrade was well worth the expense, especially when taking a 20 hour car ride! For that, the Phillips Dual Screen Portable DVD Player gets a BETTER.

Dunkin Donuts - Free Order Scam - Bitter

So Dunkin Donuts has a sign that reads something to the effect of "If you do not receive an accurately priced receipt, your order is free." I noticed that the register worker was going so fast that he was not handing any receipt at all to anyone. When I did not receive my receipt I asked about the deal for my order to be free and if I should be getting my money back. I was told that the sign only applies if you actually get a receipt. That's total bull. They simply use the sign as a marketing gimmick knowing that no one will challenge it because of the same reason they aren't giving out the receipts. Everyone at Dunkin Donuts is in a rush. Anyway, I just thought I would point out this ridiculous practice.

For that, Dunkin Donuts gets a BITTER.

Insanely Large Portions - BITTER

OK. I think we now have a real problem in this country with portion sizes. Here's a decent article on the topic. Go to Wendy's and order a medium. May sure you rent a hand truck to cart it away. After the movie Super Size Me literally killed the Super Size/King Size concept, everyone kept doing the same thing, only they just changed all the contents of small, medium, and large.

Anyway, I went to this pancake place the other day since I heard it was the best rated and always packed. I took the family and we ordered a bunch of different pancakes. I was told I could get 4 medium sized or 2 oversized pancakes. I got the 2 oversized and boy were they ever. These 2 pancakes were each the size of a small pizza. It was served to me on a platter and the pancakes were pouring over each side. No syrup here unless I wanted it all over the table. The kids also got food spilling over their plates and they barely touched it for the sheer impossibility of working with the food.

I ate literally 20-25% of the food, about 1/2 of 1 pancake and then asked the waitress, "Has anyone...ever...actually eaten all of this?" She pointed to a wall of names. The busboys were walking around the restaurant with take away boxes for anyone that wanted, but I thought, "What's the point?"

When I finally got up I started to notice everyone looking at my table. I let them know that I obviously had no idea what I was ordering.

I think at a restaurant like this the wait staff have a responsibility to tell you if they have insanely large portions. Also, just asking if I want the over sized pancakes is not the same as asking if I want to super size it. People who eat a super size fries do not get their name on a wall.

That may be the underlying problem after all. If I have the girth to be able to shovel two garbage can lid size pancakes down my gullet I get celebrated on a wall. In a few years, that wall is going to end up being pretty crowded by my estimation.

Here's an idea! Give a wall to the normal sized families with the normal sized kids that eat normal sizes meals and don't have a Coke with a vat of pancakes at 9am.

Out of control food portions, you get a BITTER.